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| It's been two weeks back from break, but things are winding down and the chaos is starting to make some sense. I'm feeling anxious because I haven't done any homework the past two days, and though I don't think I have too much academic work waiting for me, I don't think this calmness is normal... Hmm...
I've been having weird dreams lately that I wake up thinking a lot about them. In one, there is a certain person I've been slightly ignoring (defense mechanism >.>; *reference: watch "Love Actually" to understand. Shameless plug.), but in the dream, it was graduation, and I still was ignoring this person. I woke up upset thinking about how long I can go without speaking to some one. ... So I try my best in saying hi, but we have gone to the point that seeing each other does not warrant a greeting any more. :(
But that's a pretty small thing.
My roommate and I went out to Asheville last night, on a spur of "I want to stroll around downtown looking pretty" moment. Asheville is a really lovely town, and I think I want to live there instead of on campus...
I'm also really liking bonding moments between Beth, Dave (roommate's boyfriend), and me. Dave was supposed to take us out, but he was sick, so we brought back tea for him. We spent the rest of the night talking about boy/girl relationships, of which Dave does not shy away from, which makes me like him more (LOL).
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| This term, I'm keeping a tight schedule, where I'm allowing myself Saturday to re-engergize - thus, blog and keep in communication with others back home. (So as a note, if you're unsure about when to call me - do it on a Saturday. Or, do it whenever - I'm learning to not pick up the phone when I cannot totally be there mentally with someone.)
I don't want to totally go into my schedule because that overwhelms me, but work crew and this group called an "issue workshop" - which is a service group I'm part of this semester, focusing on the issue of HIV/AIDS, is taking up most of my time. Fitting homework in is challenging, especially because once I have time for homework, I really just want to take a mental vacation and watch Gilmore Girls... or rampage through my room to find my wallet.
Which leads to: I lost my wallet on the back to school. I've been stressed out every time I think about needing some cash, or needing ID. Since I've lost my passport this summer, my driver's permit has been my only other practical government-issued ID, and I lost that thing! UGH! I'm really anxious, and am hoping someone finds and returns that piece of plastic that states who I am to the world. Along with my just-gotten social security card, because I lost the old one this summer too. Anxiety.
I've been feeling anxious every day I wake up, partially because of the wallet-deal, because I have to think about it every time I pack my bag for school (daily check before I leave the room: cell phone, keys, wallet, ID). Then, since my roommate is still asleep every morning, I have to tip toe around the room and bang into her guitar that she does not put back away, which is just annoying. Which is something I can totally talk to her about, but haven't remembered to mention every time I see her. STRESS.
I've been feeling very anxious this week, and I think another part of it is that I have too much physical energy without an outlet to release it, so I go to bed still really antsy. Yesterday, I was able to participate in a dodgeball game, a rivalry between our environmental studies/biology crew against the chemistry crew. I support the ENS/BIO crew each year, and this year especially because I just declared my major this week: ENS! Declaring was pretty anti-climatic, filling out that form, but I'm still satisfied that's done. So yeah, dodgeball game was intense and adrenaline-rushing, and I'm so glad I got to play (and didn't get smacked in the face this time). I probably need to do more sports things for my mental health, but I'm not going to schedule that in. Ugh! I hate living by a strict schedule, but I also know this one is good for me.
Today, I'm excited to go out to Hendersonville, to help set up and celebrate Samhain/Day of the Dead with the Latino community there. I'm just so glad to get out of Wilson. I realized that when I started my schedule, I didn't want to schedule things into Saturday, but since this can re-energize me more than drain, I'm making exceptions.
Anyway, too-da-loo. Out of the Wilson bubble I go!
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| balancing the ideas of
asking God "why don't you do something" and being answered "I did, I made you"
vs
Waiting on God, instead of taking the "shortcut" out of impatience, without God.
rejoicing
that I'm in the process of declaring a major I'm extremely excited about.
feeling content
to be in NYC, and with a friend to enjoy it.
wondering a lot about
where my major can take me - or, where I can take my major
-or, where God can take me,
and realizing that I want my mom to be taken care of.
struggling through
the same struggles over and over again
except, it gets harder each time,
to love my dad. to really try to communicate, and care.
how can i love neighbors and enemies, if I can't love family?
I'm also toying with the idea of intentional communities - mainly because I realize I can't carry out authentic relationships too long [always running into that wall of "who can I turn to now?] I'm feeling anxious that I keep finding, treasuring, then letting go of relationships that bring me so much joy and contentment. And then I start resenting them because they become so hard to pick up again.
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| Why does the registrar and me have this type of relationship? I don't know what I want to do yet!! ;_;
Hello;
It has come to our attention that you have not yet formally declared a major. Once students have earned 60 credits (junior standing) they are required to declare a major.
Please stop by the Registrar's Office and pick up the Major Declaration Form, which must be signed by a faculty person in the department of your major. The completed form is due back in our office no later than November 2.
Please note that your registration for Spring '10 classes will be BLOCKED if you have not submitted your formal major declaration. Registration for next semester will occur November 9-13.
Sincerely,
Office of the Registrar
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| I'm setting aside the next hour for my mind to wander and reflect. The past week or two, I've been having a really hard time sleeping. Once in bed, I start feeling really worried about all these things that need to be taken care of. Ahh! When I wake up the next morning, things seem so much simpler / less stressful. It's just... nighttime that I start feeling really discontent with a lot of things that keeps sleep from me. Grr. I think one reason might be because I haven't let my mind wander or even worry throughout the day, so these things start attacking me once I have space to myself.
But.
This week has been an emotional rollercoaster. I've been physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tired for the past few weeks, and it all lead up to Monday where I just couldn't function. I think I needed a good cry at least, and throughout the day, whenever I had to move, or speak, I had to keep from bawling. Then, I went back to my room and started crying with my roommate. I'm so glad for the safe space between my roommate and me. The rest of the night went better - just laughing with dormmates and enjoying each other's company in the common room. (among the conversation "What do you think Shane Claiborne will smell like? Hippy or french fry?)
Then Tuesday, work crew meeting where difficult issues were addressed and not solved. I've been feeling really uncomfortable at work with so many personality clashes. But I finally got to talk to my supervisor about all these things that were bothering me at work.
Which is awesome. Our meeting started with
"Our speaker (SHANE CLAIBORNE!) has not arrived yet."
"Was he supposed to be here by now?"
"Yeah, he called to say he's going to be late. He should arrive soon though."
-Her phone rings- O.O =D
[She starts giving him directions to campus.] "I'm walking in your direction now." [She waves for me to follow]
=D
I got to be one of the first on our crew to meet him! Teehheee. I love my work. After Shane and his traveling companion got their things settled, we sat to talk about his schedule at Wilson. He sat next to me, in which I would have usually been able to keep composure, but [oh, when will I grow up?] I kept on thinking about our dorm conversation. DOES HE SMELL LIKE FRENCH FRY? (cause he drove a used-veggie oil bus for a recent book tour). Oh man. The immaturity of me LOL.
Then, later, at a potluck dinner with Shane and Wilson students, I found myself sitting next to Shane again, but this time, Rachel (the person who came up with that horrible bizzare question), was sitting directly across from me. We caught each other's eye, and couldn't look at each other for the rest of dinner. 'Course, our facial expressions we're not exactly subtle which made dinner a bit awkward.
Anyway. Shane is such an amazing guy who finally makes me unashamed to be Christian. I just recently had this conversation with my Christian fellowship at school, about how hard I find admitting to be a Christian is (on campus especially), because "Christian" has come to be associated with a lot of things I don't agree with. However, Shane is such a great example of a person who unabashedly talks about his beliefs without any sense of defensiveness about who he is, and is actually a person who does things I totally admire and respect.
He's led me to Jesus, and for the first time [in a long time, or ever, I'm not quite sure which one is more truthful] I think I'm in love with the one I call Savior.
Without any salvation speech.
Thank God for Shane. All this emotional, spiritual, mental rut I've been feeling has been addressed, and I have renewed hope in the work that I do.
And the more I work, the more I see a need for spiritual grounding in peace and justice work. And I guess it's not for everyone, but I personally think being spiritually dry is not a healthy and sustaining place to be.
But I can't lie. I'm still feeling as homesick as ever.
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